Ah, Cosmopolitan. I thought you were such a cool magazine when I was about 15 but these days, I am astounded that the staff of Cosmo are grown women. Maybe I am a jaded almost-37-year-old or maybe these seduction tips from their website really are ridiculous. If you think I'm being a little harsh, here is the link so you can see for yourself. And here is an excellent imagining of what might happen in the Cosmo office.
Meanwhile, below is my analysis of them (and God forbid anyone be a lesbian - they are mysteriously absent from the world of Cosmo...):
1. The right outfit. Yes, because men care so deeply about fashion. This tip starts off by saying less isn't always more ("Keep your cleavage inside your clothes, you slut!") and ends with Victoria Beckham drearily opining that "the best way to seduce a man is to wear high heels, tight-fitting jeans and a figure-hugging T-shirt." True, she is married to David Beckham and apparently it is against the law to not fancy him, but that union is hardly a meeting of great minds of the modern era. How about some advice on how to seduce a man with a brain, Cosmo? Let's check out point number two, shall we?
2. FY eye. Oh, that is just such a cute pun, Cosmo! Except it's not. It's lame. "Making eye contact with your target is good, but limit it to a few encouraging glances and a smile." So look at him, ladies. But not too much. A glance that lingers a nanosecond too long means he will never be yours. And that would be the worst thing ever. Ever.
3. Hairplay. Wow, that's original. Are we really still trotting out the "play with your hair and he will bulge out of his pants with lust for you" seduction tip. Hello, 1978!
4. USP. This time, they're quoting Russell Brand who tells us we all need to promote our USP, our unique selling point. Because what woman doesn't love to be spoken of in marketing terms.
Now, I love Russell's work on sane drug law reform but I wouldn't go to him for advice on how to seduce a man. Seducing Russell Brand doesn't strike me as a challenge. He says his USP is "gauche, philandering adventurer." Which makes him sound like a total twat when he's really only a bit of a twat sometimes.
5. Sweet seduction. This sounds like it might involve buying a man chocolates but it's actually advice to go out on the pull in the middle of your menstrual cycle because this is when you're releasing the sweet smell of ovulation. This is also when you are most likely to fall pregnant. Cosmo handily reminds us to use protection so you don't start a family with your one-night stand. Cosmo doesn't advise on what to do if one of your friends selfishly arranges a night on the tiles that fails to coincide with your ovulation.
6. Choose health. SHOCK! BLOKES DON'T LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE ILL!
7. Mirror, mirror. This tip involves copying his body language, which seems a bit creepy and stalkerish. It is also advice that Cosmo has been dishing out for decades like the coy play-with-your-hair tip. Also, Cosmo fails to advise on what to do if he scratches his balls.
8. Fish fingers. A euphemism surely? What Cosmo means is you should guzzle vast quantities of aphrodisiac seafood without the aid of cutlery. Apparently, this is sexy. Except when you have an attack of the ragefits when you can't crack open a particularly tricky crab. Yelling "FUCKING CRABS!" at this juncture would probably also lower your chances of a shag.
9. Extreme dating. This could work. I've been on dates where I wished I had a bungee rope so I could escape out a high window. Cosmo suggests "adrenalin dates" such as going to an "adventure park" together. This is "hot foreplay". Unless you puke on a rollercoaster. That has got to be a boner killer.
10. Tantric seduction. Hello, 1992! I can hear Sting crapping on about he and Trudie have sex for epochs at a time by going tantric. Do non-famous people actually do this? Anyway, what Cosmo advises is sucking a bloke's lips. They say this sends energy to his "sex chakra" at the base of the spine. This might be a dangerous one to try if you are on an extreme date.
"I don't know how it all went so horribly wrong," sobbed Cassandra, 25, of Croydon. "I sucked his lip as we rode the rollercoaster at Thorpe Park, he threw up in my mouth and I bit his nose off."
11. The first kiss... down there. When you're kissing your hapless bloke, Cosmo suggests you huskily whisper: ""That's exactly how I want you to kiss my... [insert the term for clitoris that you're most comfortable using]."
Or you could just grow the hell up and use the term "clitoris". If he says: "Your what?", run, run for the hills.
12. Feet first. A foot rub just won't do these days, ladies. You also need to wash his feet, just like Jesus did to his disciples, and then suck his toes. I cannot confirm or deny if Jesus also sucked his disciples' toes. "Think fellatio demo rather than gentle suck," Cosmo says. And bad luck if fellatio isn't something you're comfortable with.
13. Lazy seduction. Pop some woman-friendly porn on the DVD! Because clearly nobody has the internet these days...
14. Burlesque babe. Stick on some nipple tassles and get your Dita Von Teese on! And, hey, if you've got the skills, go for it. If you have all the coordination and grace of a club-footed walrus, this will also go really well.
15. Dinner's on me. This is one you don't want to try with that random bloke you met down the pub as Cosmo seriously advises you to give him a key to your place so he can let himself in and find you all laid out with takeaway sashimi strategically placed about your person. You just have to hope and pray he's not your friendly local serial killer.
Image courtesy of www.kozzi.com