Why I'm still a feminist: Part 2

Following on from yesterday's International Women's Day blog post, in which I looked over assorted feminist rants I wrote in 2012 to see how far we've come (Hint: Not far enough in many cases...), I am now casting my beady eye over 2013's blog posts. My International Women's Day reflection for 2013 seems to ring true today, sadly.

"My feminism is better than your feminism" reflected on how women harm each other by turning feminism into a competition. Sometimes some of us will have to agree to disagree on certain issues. This does not mean healthy discussion should be shut down. It does mean that more will be achieved when there is mutual respect.

January 2013 was also about pap smears and cervical cancer - this is an issue very close to my heart, among other parts, as early detection of pre-cancerous cells back in 1997 probably saved my life. This is where Australia is leading the way - pap smears are advised 18 months after you first have sex or once you turn 18, whatever comes first. But the UK lags behind with early detection and, as a result, women under 25 are dying unnecessarily. More still needs to be done here, I am sorry to report.

I joined in the feminist fun of writing the terrible Nadine Dorries a letter from my uterus. I am quite sure she never read it but the good news is that she seems to have piped down, at least on the issue of reproductive rights. She has, however, made a fool of herself in many other ways since then.

Welfare reform and sexism intersected with my piece on the "woman with a womb like a clown car", representing as she does a tiny minority of benefits claimants. It remains to be seen with the General Election looming in May as to whether whatever damn government we end up with examines the benefits system with the right mix of commonsense and compassion.

And I probably alienated myself from some women with my dismissing of Seth McFarlane's "I saw your boobs!" song at the 2013 Oscars as a fauxrage. There is now at least one fauxrage a week as people become more and more determined to find things by which they can be offended and have less and less consideration for what true freedom of speech really means.

Additonally, I mocked Cosmopolitan magazine because its sex tips remain stupid. It is trying very hard at the moment to be the "acceptable" face of feminism. Sometimes it makes good points, sometimes I roll my eyes hard.

There were plenty of stupid things said about rape in 2012 and this has not really changed. As such, we had the unedifying spectacle of Ashley Judd being shot down in flames for daring to discuss rape. This led to idiots quoting her out of context and any intelligent discussion on rape fell by the wayside. I attempted commonsense on the thorny issue of false rape accusations but I am not sure anyone noticed.

April was a weird old month in the feminist rant department. I wasn't exactly tackling the big issues with a piece on marketing chocolate Special K to women (although I remain so tired of food being referred to as "naughty" or "wicked"...) and another piece on why shoe shopping sucks. But then Margaret Thatcher died and while the people who commented on my reflections on Thatcher as a feminist icon, I am quite sure many disagree with me wholeheartedly. Her legacy remains a topic of debate and I expect this to continue for decades.

And then there was another piece on lads' mags and Page 3 which resulted in some interesting comments indeed. I encountered a tiresome woman who used her "I'm a mother, you're not!" reasoning to try and shut down debate on censorship of lads' mags. That is a surefire way to quell any hope of intelligent discussion and it happens all the time. Nuts magazine announced more modest covers, possibly in the wake of the Lose The Lads' Mags campaign but I doubt campaigners will rest until these magazines are eliminated.

A century after Emily Davidson's untimely death elevated her to suffragette martyr status, I shared a few thoughts on things that would probably appall her in 2013. And looking over the points I made, not much has improved for women's voices in Parliamant. There is still tedious Daily Mail slut-shaming, and G4S still getting government contracts despite being inept and unscrupulous.

Nigella Lawson's personal life hit the headlines in 2013 after awful pictures of her now ex-husband throttling her at a London restaurant were published. She seems to have happily moved on. If only the same could be said for everyone who has suffered at the hands of an abusive partner. Domestic violence remains a problem.

I took a look at Australia, my country of birth after Julia Gillard stopped being the Prime Minister. I maintain that a lot of the vitriol directed at her was sexism pure and simple.

2013 also marked the year I could have been released from a UAE prison had I not acted my way out of a farcical adultery trial. It was a shocking and sad story but I do mot regret living in the UAE nor do I think it's the worst place on the planet for women. Indeed, a later rant on the niqab showed that my time in the Middle East led me to views on Islamic dress that may not be popular in certain circles. When it comes to how much flesh a woman should show, she simply cannot win.

Despite being a long-term Cosmo and Grazia magazine snarker, I defended writing about beauty because, basically, lipstick is not the enemy. Hell, some days I wear it myself. More seriously, there was a censorship row at Sydney University over a magazine cover featuring a range of vulvas. It would appear this is just one of many incidents in universities around the world where free speech is being stifled. This has become an alarming trend in recent years and it has to stop. Universities will no longer be bastions of free speech and thought if the rot is not stopped.

Sex workers' rights is always a tricky one. But I don't think anyone can deny that the current laws help anyone, especially women, whether they are brilliantly unrepentant sex workers by choice or whether they are true victims. In any case, a moral panic over women selling sex is never helpful.

And as the sun set on 2013's blogging, I reflected on the role of first ladies. Again, they can't win. It doesn't matter what political stripe they belong to, or what causes they choose to champion, they will be slagged off by someone. It is an awful job and I do wonder how much relief is felt by first ladies when their husbands are no longer in office. Whatever the case, it'd be good to see more bright women leading countries - not that this will be the outcome of the 2013 British General Election...

Photo by Vera Kratochvil

Does anyone actually get all their sex tips from Cosmo?

Ah, Cosmopolitan. I thought you were such a cool magazine when I was about 15 but these days, I am astounded that the staff of Cosmo are grown women. Maybe I am a jaded almost-37-year-old or maybe these seduction tips from their website really are ridiculous. If you think I'm being a little harsh, here is the link so you can see for yourself. And here is an excellent imagining of what might happen in the Cosmo office.

Meanwhile, below is my analysis of them (and God forbid anyone be a lesbian - they are mysteriously absent from the world of Cosmo...):

1. The right outfit. Yes, because men care so deeply about fashion. This tip starts off by saying less isn't always more ("Keep your cleavage inside your clothes, you slut!") and ends with Victoria Beckham drearily opining that "the best way to seduce a man is to wear high heels, tight-fitting jeans and a figure-hugging T-shirt." True, she is married to David Beckham and apparently it is against the law to not fancy him, but that union is hardly a meeting of great minds of the modern era. How about some advice on how to seduce a man with a brain, Cosmo? Let's check out point number two, shall we?

2. FY eye. Oh, that is just such a cute pun, Cosmo! Except it's not. It's lame. "Making eye contact with your target is good, but limit it to a few encouraging glances and a smile." So look at him, ladies. But not too much. A glance that lingers a nanosecond too long means he will never be yours. And that would be the worst thing ever. Ever.

3. Hairplay. Wow, that's original. Are we really still trotting out the "play with your hair and he will bulge out of his pants with lust for you" seduction tip. Hello, 1978!

4. USP. This time, they're quoting Russell Brand who tells us we all need to promote our USP, our unique selling point. Because what woman doesn't love to be spoken of in marketing terms.

Now, I love Russell's work on sane drug law reform but I wouldn't go to him for advice on how to seduce a man. Seducing Russell Brand doesn't strike me as a challenge. He says his USP is "gauche, philandering adventurer." Which makes him sound like a total twat when he's really only a bit of a twat sometimes.

5.  Sweet seduction. This sounds like it might involve buying a man chocolates but it's actually advice to go out on the pull in the middle of your menstrual cycle because this is when you're releasing the sweet smell of ovulation. This is also when you are most likely to fall pregnant. Cosmo handily reminds us to use protection so you don't start a family with your one-night stand. Cosmo doesn't advise on what to do if one of your friends selfishly arranges a night on the tiles that fails to coincide with your ovulation.

6. Choose health. SHOCK! BLOKES DON'T LIKE WOMEN WHO ARE ILL!

7. Mirror, mirror. This tip involves copying his body language, which seems a bit creepy and stalkerish. It is also advice that Cosmo has been dishing out for decades like the coy play-with-your-hair tip. Also, Cosmo fails to advise on what to do if he scratches his balls.

8. Fish fingers. A euphemism surely? What Cosmo means is you should guzzle vast quantities of aphrodisiac seafood without the aid of cutlery. Apparently, this is sexy. Except when you have an attack of the ragefits when you can't crack open a particularly tricky crab. Yelling "FUCKING CRABS!" at this juncture would probably also lower your chances of a shag.

9. Extreme dating. This could work. I've been on dates where I wished I had a bungee rope so I could escape out a high window. Cosmo suggests "adrenalin dates" such as going to an "adventure park" together. This is "hot foreplay". Unless you puke on a rollercoaster. That has got to be a boner killer.

10. Tantric seduction. Hello, 1992! I can hear Sting crapping on about he and Trudie have sex for epochs at a time by going tantric. Do non-famous people actually do this? Anyway, what Cosmo advises is sucking a bloke's lips. They say this sends energy to his "sex chakra" at the base of the spine. This might be a dangerous one to try if you are on an extreme date.

"I don't know how it all went so horribly wrong," sobbed Cassandra, 25, of Croydon. "I sucked his lip as we rode the rollercoaster at Thorpe Park, he threw up in my mouth and I bit his nose off."

11. The first kiss... down there. When you're kissing your hapless bloke, Cosmo suggests you huskily whisper: ""That's exactly how I want you to kiss my... [insert the term for clitoris that you're most comfortable using]." 

Or you could just grow the hell up and use the term "clitoris". If he says: "Your what?", run, run for the hills.

12. Feet first. A foot rub just won't do these days, ladies. You also need to wash his feet, just like Jesus did to his disciples, and then suck his toes. I cannot confirm or deny if Jesus also sucked his disciples' toes. "Think fellatio demo rather than gentle suck," Cosmo says. And bad luck if fellatio isn't something you're comfortable with.

13. Lazy seduction. Pop some woman-friendly porn on the DVD! Because clearly nobody has the internet these days...

14. Burlesque babe. Stick on some nipple tassles and get your Dita Von Teese on! And, hey, if you've got the skills, go for it. If you have all the coordination and grace of a club-footed walrus, this will also go really well.

15. Dinner's on me. This is one you don't want to try with that random bloke you met down the pub as Cosmo seriously advises you to give him a key to your place so he can let himself in and find you all laid out with takeaway sashimi strategically placed about your person. You just have to hope and pray he's not your friendly local serial killer.



Image courtesy of www.kozzi.com




    

It's about time for another World of Stupid...

I was delighted to be described by one of my favourite tweeters, @MoronWatch, as a "freelance moron watcher". I do wish I was paid my usual freelance rate for watching morons - there are so many of them out there that it could be a fulltime job. But I digress... Here is the latest swag of morons from around the globe:

1. A US company, Solid Gold Bomb, came under fire this week for selling some rather awful T-shirts. In possibly the worst variation on the tiresome "Keep calm and carry on" genre, the T-shirts were printed with the slogans "Keep calm and rape a lot", "Keep calm and hit her", "Keep calm and grope a lot" and "Keep calm and knife her." Just as terrible as the T-shirts was Solid Gold Bomb's attempt at an apology:

The company claimed it had been "informed of the fact that we were selling an offensive T-shirt primarily in the UK" and said: "This has been immediately deleted as it was and had been automatically generated using a scripted computer process running against hundreds of thousands of dictionary words."

Really? A computer error just so happened to generate four moronic slogans and nobody noticed. Did the computer also post the T-shirts as being for sale on Amazon with no human noticing this at any stage of the process? What about when orders started coming in? Did anyone say: "Hang on, why are we selling rape T-shirts?" Here is some interesting stuff on blaming rape-apologist algorithms for all this. It is indeed a convenient way to not take any responsibility.

Or maybe someone at Solid Gold Bomb accidentally hit the "Create T-shirts for douchebags" button.

2. Hilary Mantel was again proven right this week. Her claim that society and the media are obsessed with royal women's bodies was strengthened by the vulture-like reporters hovering around London's King Edward VII Hospital where the Queen was recovering from a bout of gastroenteritis. Everyone seems to have forgotten how badly that all ended last time a royal woman was at King Edward VII  - the obsession with the Duchess of Cambridge's severe morning sickness took a dark turn with a prank call and a nurse committing suicide.

But royal gastrointestinal systems are clearly as newsworthy as royal wombs and the reporters gathered outside the hospital in case of, er, I dunno... In case the Queen's doctor was going to emerge with full details of Her Majesty's bowels? It was boring, stupid television and to waste hours of time hovering around an expensive hospital when the NHS is being undermined at every opportunity is rather obscene.

3. Speaking of which, the Huffington Post's UK outpost has developed a creepy obsession with the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge and other knocked-up celebs. "Baby bump" has become their equivalent of the Daily Mail's "all grown up". As well as Kate Middleton, Kim Kardashian, Imogen Thomas, Fergie from the Blackeyed Peas, Rochelle Humes from The Saturdays and a Chinese woman known only as "Zhang" all come up on a "baby bump" search of the website.

It's gross and what was extra-stupid was the headline: "Kate Middleton Pregnant: Duchess and 'Bump' Visit National Portrait Gallery." As if she could simply take it off! I know there are madder elements of the prolife movement who'd disagree with me, but I'm pretty sure the foetus isn't going to remember this trip to the art gallery.

Whoever managed their Twitter account thought "Kate Middleton takes her baby bump to a wedding" was a sane thing to say and that moronic sentence leads the article that was linked to the tweet. Again, it's not as if she really has a choice in that matter. But I am sure the bump had a tremendous time at the nuptials.

4. Just in case anyone out there is labouring under the misapprehension that human rights laws are a bad thing, we have sickening news from Saudi Arabia that transcends mere stupidity and drives straight into completely vile territory. Seven men convicted of armed robbery face execution by crucifixion and firing squad. Yes, crucifixion. Six have been sentenced to death by firing squad and the main defendant is scheduled to be executed by crucifixion. For three days.

The condemned men claim they have had no access to lawyers, confessions were extracted under torture and most of them were juveniles at the time of the offences. If you are OK with any of this, you are seriously not well.

5. The Merriam-Webster dictionary continues its murder of the English language by letting the moronic use of "literally" creep into its pages. Every day, people claim they are literally on fire, that they literally have work coming out of their arses and that they would literally die if something non-lethal happened. These people do not need to be encouraged by dictionaries. It literally has to stop.

6. I've spotted some insane sex advice from Cosmopolitan's UK website but I may save that for later...


Image courtesy of www.kozzi.com